sometimes i just can't breathe.
sometimes i can't sleep.
and sometimes when there are tornado sirens, i got stand in the middle of the street, because ironically, it's when the world is finally still.

spring forward.

sorry blog. i have since replaced my old missing writing book (terror) with a new glorious mole-skin.
you are lacking attention now, i realize.
also, only on internet 1once a week for 7 weeks. tough break.

actually, not so bad at all. good break.

i make a lot of lists now. and have stopped caring about our maids, so i have put back up my post-its. rather, i have written many back out, and will put them back up after they come tomorrow :)

i am happy. the universe feels like it has blown out a long-held in breath which is winter. i like this spring winds and all the colors; so much beauty i don't know what to do with it except create more by planting a garden.
i feel so good despite so many things which just seem so tiny.
you, you are a self-pitying boy with low self-esteem; i get it. one day you'll be confident enough to go forward.
you, you keep abandoning everything in your life, and i just feel sorry for you. i'm no longer angry for you leaving me behind. you dust you kicked up has settled and i can see now, i don't need you.
you, well, i don't even have to say anything which is the best thing possible and i've waited so long for this and i'm glad. so content. and okay, most of all, i'm able now.
you, i am proud of. you've grown and realized and come to terms with the truth. i'm so happy to see YOU again and not him inside you, or her, or them. in your eyes, i see you.
yous yous yous yous. i love yous.

i am trying to break your heart

why is that song becoming true? maybe just because i can't stop listening to it.
i'm sorry.


this weekend, would have been perfect, had you not spoken a word to me.
and also, had i not met a boy that looked ex.act.ly. like you. and he was a jerk like you. probably worse. actually, probably not, i'll just always try and downplay how terrible you are. but oh my gosh. why did he even have to cross my eyesight. and oh, the nerve of him to talk to me. for my own sake. he even sounded like you. oh it killed me. it hurt so much. not only that, but just that night smelled how you always did. which i'm not sure how that happens or what it means, but it was torture. today was been a pure battle to speak to you or not. i've lost. just by even thinking of you, i've lost. i always lose.

you really had me for a while

-i drove past your house today, not exactly sure which one it was., but almost calling you to celebrate this last day of sin and gluttony before lent. came so close. i could almost feel the rush of cold air that would stop my lungs for a moment when you would open the door to get in the passenger seat.
-i drove past your house today, twice, creating a different story each time. apathetic to each one. apathetic each time. all the time. with you. i lie. i'm sorry. hardly, actually. damn,. maybe i am sorry. shitstick.
-and i drove past your house today, more like parked in front of it for 30seconds of that song that i always start screaming at and will, i know, always make my stomach hurt from that one bitter, terrible moment when my heart lept out of my chest thinking it could make the jump to you across the cliff. but it fell short. that false hope you let out. that unintentional motion i would only notice. i'm a fool. i can't believe i believed it would happen. foolfoolfool. i can't even tell if you know what i feel. i don't know if you realize you're the only one i'm always, unfailingly honest with. pathetic fool.
-i don't remember how to get to your house. actually, i've purposefully forgotten. but i would so drive past and do something illegal,. you know.

i'm not a creep. i just take the long way back to my house all the time. go in circles and loops. but it's cool. i hypermile, so gas is golden.

i am sorry. not sorry enough to put you and i both out of our misery. so, sorry for that too.

you're a tether. and i'm the kind of person who loses it. do you even know how close i've come while knowing you. of course not. not at all., because you don't even know. at all. you thought about it. because you compared us. me and her. once fucking again. and you were wrong. and you asked your questions so carefully. tip-toeing as if right then and there i'd fall apart at the mere probing of someone who actually cared enough to ask. no. hell no. dillusioinal. i'm not that kind of person. i'm glad i'm not that kind of person or we wouldn't even be on speaking terms for the harsh truths i'd tell you.
maybe no one deserves this. i'm sure no one does. and yet, i do these things to myself. looking back, i think it's to prove people wrong. that would explain everything just about. i think i'm fine with that.
i don't think i care any longer. i think i'll go until i'm left with no other choice. until i won't have to see your face. and see the guilt. guilt always has the upperhand.

i was going to buy an acoustic guitar,
but this jack-ass ran a red light, hit my car, and drove off.
now, i have to pay for the repairs myself.
my 2nd day of driving my car. wow.
it's just a dent and scratched up. i wouldn't fix it if my dad hadn't given me a "take pride in what you own" speech. i just want to be a proud owner of a guitar.
so with all the money i've been saving almost a year, i get to fix my car. hurrah.

i hate the internet.
after being off for a week, i'm sick of it.
i don't like this "instant gratification" stuff.
i'd rather take more time writing/type-writing, then blogging.
i'd rather experiment thing than just google a recipie/directions.
ugh. annoying. there's too much
i especially hate facebook. i want to delete everyone except for people i actually WANT to keep up with. but i would offend to many people and there'd be some harsh, harsh truths revealed.
i just hate having SHIT show up on my screen that i'm forced to see. so hardly no more facebook because it just annoys the crap out of me now.

i'm hating people. so many fakes.
loner time.

doesn't help that i'm IMMERSING myself in the catcher in the rye considering that's what i'm writing my research paper on. and i can't stop using holden's little phrases or what not.

so frustrated, uninspired, angry, bitter, jealous, annoyed, aggigated, angered, violated, (a ton of angry emotions) and whatever.
this life i've made isn't suiting me.
i'm about to start doing some spring cleaning. going to close some doors and burn some bridges.
damn. i'll hate myself later. i'll never know why i do this. i feel too...safe. too routine. too fucking right. i don't like this.
i need something to fix. i need something to break.

today in history class:
we were discussing the public school system. and we got to talking about all-year-round school and summer.
teacher-"now why are we out for summer?"
peer-"because kids had to work in the field during the summer."
teacher-"yes. but do many of us still work in fields anymore? no."
me-"i don't know. i mean, i spend my summers in fields."

good moment of the day
(oh and also 6th period. laughing for 40 minutes straight=good. mrs. reaves' picture in a mole suit=best thing of my life.)

HHS. what would i do without you? (rhetorical question, obv. i'd do so much more w/o it. but whatevz)