sometimes i just can't breathe.
sometimes i can't sleep.
and sometimes when there are tornado sirens, i got stand in the middle of the street, because ironically, it's when the world is finally still.

spring forward.

sorry blog. i have since replaced my old missing writing book (terror) with a new glorious mole-skin.
you are lacking attention now, i realize.
also, only on internet 1once a week for 7 weeks. tough break.

actually, not so bad at all. good break.

i make a lot of lists now. and have stopped caring about our maids, so i have put back up my post-its. rather, i have written many back out, and will put them back up after they come tomorrow :)

i am happy. the universe feels like it has blown out a long-held in breath which is winter. i like this spring winds and all the colors; so much beauty i don't know what to do with it except create more by planting a garden.
i feel so good despite so many things which just seem so tiny.
you, you are a self-pitying boy with low self-esteem; i get it. one day you'll be confident enough to go forward.
you, you keep abandoning everything in your life, and i just feel sorry for you. i'm no longer angry for you leaving me behind. you dust you kicked up has settled and i can see now, i don't need you.
you, well, i don't even have to say anything which is the best thing possible and i've waited so long for this and i'm glad. so content. and okay, most of all, i'm able now.
you, i am proud of. you've grown and realized and come to terms with the truth. i'm so happy to see YOU again and not him inside you, or her, or them. in your eyes, i see you.
yous yous yous yous. i love yous.

i am trying to break your heart

why is that song becoming true? maybe just because i can't stop listening to it.
i'm sorry.


this weekend, would have been perfect, had you not spoken a word to me.
and also, had i not met a boy that looked ex.act.ly. like you. and he was a jerk like you. probably worse. actually, probably not, i'll just always try and downplay how terrible you are. but oh my gosh. why did he even have to cross my eyesight. and oh, the nerve of him to talk to me. for my own sake. he even sounded like you. oh it killed me. it hurt so much. not only that, but just that night smelled how you always did. which i'm not sure how that happens or what it means, but it was torture. today was been a pure battle to speak to you or not. i've lost. just by even thinking of you, i've lost. i always lose.

you really had me for a while

-i drove past your house today, not exactly sure which one it was., but almost calling you to celebrate this last day of sin and gluttony before lent. came so close. i could almost feel the rush of cold air that would stop my lungs for a moment when you would open the door to get in the passenger seat.
-i drove past your house today, twice, creating a different story each time. apathetic to each one. apathetic each time. all the time. with you. i lie. i'm sorry. hardly, actually. damn,. maybe i am sorry. shitstick.
-and i drove past your house today, more like parked in front of it for 30seconds of that song that i always start screaming at and will, i know, always make my stomach hurt from that one bitter, terrible moment when my heart lept out of my chest thinking it could make the jump to you across the cliff. but it fell short. that false hope you let out. that unintentional motion i would only notice. i'm a fool. i can't believe i believed it would happen. foolfoolfool. i can't even tell if you know what i feel. i don't know if you realize you're the only one i'm always, unfailingly honest with. pathetic fool.
-i don't remember how to get to your house. actually, i've purposefully forgotten. but i would so drive past and do something illegal,. you know.

i'm not a creep. i just take the long way back to my house all the time. go in circles and loops. but it's cool. i hypermile, so gas is golden.

i am sorry. not sorry enough to put you and i both out of our misery. so, sorry for that too.

you're a tether. and i'm the kind of person who loses it. do you even know how close i've come while knowing you. of course not. not at all., because you don't even know. at all. you thought about it. because you compared us. me and her. once fucking again. and you were wrong. and you asked your questions so carefully. tip-toeing as if right then and there i'd fall apart at the mere probing of someone who actually cared enough to ask. no. hell no. dillusioinal. i'm not that kind of person. i'm glad i'm not that kind of person or we wouldn't even be on speaking terms for the harsh truths i'd tell you.
maybe no one deserves this. i'm sure no one does. and yet, i do these things to myself. looking back, i think it's to prove people wrong. that would explain everything just about. i think i'm fine with that.
i don't think i care any longer. i think i'll go until i'm left with no other choice. until i won't have to see your face. and see the guilt. guilt always has the upperhand.

i was going to buy an acoustic guitar,
but this jack-ass ran a red light, hit my car, and drove off.
now, i have to pay for the repairs myself.
my 2nd day of driving my car. wow.
it's just a dent and scratched up. i wouldn't fix it if my dad hadn't given me a "take pride in what you own" speech. i just want to be a proud owner of a guitar.
so with all the money i've been saving almost a year, i get to fix my car. hurrah.

i hate the internet.
after being off for a week, i'm sick of it.
i don't like this "instant gratification" stuff.
i'd rather take more time writing/type-writing, then blogging.
i'd rather experiment thing than just google a recipie/directions.
ugh. annoying. there's too much
i especially hate facebook. i want to delete everyone except for people i actually WANT to keep up with. but i would offend to many people and there'd be some harsh, harsh truths revealed.
i just hate having SHIT show up on my screen that i'm forced to see. so hardly no more facebook because it just annoys the crap out of me now.

i'm hating people. so many fakes.
loner time.

doesn't help that i'm IMMERSING myself in the catcher in the rye considering that's what i'm writing my research paper on. and i can't stop using holden's little phrases or what not.

so frustrated, uninspired, angry, bitter, jealous, annoyed, aggigated, angered, violated, (a ton of angry emotions) and whatever.
this life i've made isn't suiting me.
i'm about to start doing some spring cleaning. going to close some doors and burn some bridges.
damn. i'll hate myself later. i'll never know why i do this. i feel too...safe. too routine. too fucking right. i don't like this.
i need something to fix. i need something to break.

today in history class:
we were discussing the public school system. and we got to talking about all-year-round school and summer.
teacher-"now why are we out for summer?"
peer-"because kids had to work in the field during the summer."
teacher-"yes. but do many of us still work in fields anymore? no."
me-"i don't know. i mean, i spend my summers in fields."

good moment of the day
(oh and also 6th period. laughing for 40 minutes straight=good. mrs. reaves' picture in a mole suit=best thing of my life.)

HHS. what would i do without you? (rhetorical question, obv. i'd do so much more w/o it. but whatevz)

18 consecutive plays of one Coldplay song later...

you don't try. i'm realizing your tricks.
you play the victim. you want me to come back. you don't want to come get me.
difference.
i'm not going to walk up to you this time. i'm stubborn. and i don't care.
i don't. and right now, i can't even believe the words you are saying.
why do i never listen. i ignore.
why do you speak so opinionated about things you could not possibly have a valid opinion about.
don't ever compare us again.
don't ever mention that again.
don't ever call me that again.
don't ever insinuate things.
stop making me feel sorry for you. because i don't. not for that reason at least.

i can call myself whatever i very well please. i can talk about things when i'm ready to. and not until. and i can make this so one-sided it will just be a perpetual motion machine.

please, push me a bit farther of the edge. try me.

you were amazed in the difference in my speech.

"You were a tree with a root that was wrapped in my brain."


i want you on your knees, begging me to not go.
but i cave before you do, and i'm the one with the grass stains on my knees from begging you to not forget me.

and that is my tragedy.
that, that is just pitiful.
that is why. why i can't.
i am sick. je ne suis pas bien.

new love.
abeautifulrevolution.com

Book List

i just decided i'm going to keep a record of every book i read this year. and this seems like a sensible place to keep track of them. so, this is going to be a list of books i finish reading in 2009, because some i started in 2008, but it wouldn't seem fair not to count them.

1. Twilight by Stephenie Myerer -i'm not going to lie, i enjoyed reading it. but don't get me wrong. it is no where near my favorite books. i thought it would be a pain to read, but i'm glad i was wrong. although, i have no desire to continue on with the series. i did like the movie a lot though.
2. Paper Towns by John Green -apparently, i've fallen back into my teen-book routine. it seems as though he makes his main characters the same. a teenage, uncool, dorky boy who has some unusual connection with a cool, beautiful girl. eventhough, it was hard to put this book down. the character Margo was incredible inspiring, which i'm sure was his point. simple. easy. but it made a fairly lasting impression.
3. Prep. i don't remember who wrote it, and i'm too lazy to look. doesn't matter. it got so bad. although the beginning of the book sucks you into the main character, Lee's, boarding school life, it quickly becomes apparent that she is good for nothing except obsessing and whining. such a self-centered girl in a bad way. in an insecure way. and then the 4 year crush she has turns into some terrible guy taking advantage of her. it just made me angry. because she didn't even stand up for herself. i was only thankful for the one time she said something she actualy meant/wanted to. not worth the read, i would say. i'm sad i spent time reading the entire book.
4. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by mark haddon. very good. i loved it. and it was a really quick read.
   

a few orders of business

i caved. yes, i'm in the middle of reading Twilight. after having a realization during a debate over the book that when people ask me if i have read it myself, i proudly, and a bit sheepishly, reply that no i have not. now, don't get me wrong. i wasn't staying away from this book simply because it was popular and everyone's reading it. that's ridiculous because i am a huge harry potter fan and i don't know a single person who hasn't read those books. but i just tend to run from the Teen section in the bookstore, which is this bundle of papers usually hang out. i've read my fair share of poor, teenage girl novels. trust me. a lot of money, time, and library card swipes wasted. but i guess i wanted to prove to myself that it really wasn't worth all the hype? mainly, i did it just to shut Will up. i started last night, and i'm a little over halfway through. which may seem like i read it avidly, but i read fast generally, especially with a read as easy as this one. and i haven't been sleeping this week, so i have an average 7 hours most people don't.
i find while reading that it's undoubtably a page-turner. but once i close the book, i don't have that much of a desire to pick it back up, depending on where i stopped. i mean, i'm not constantly thinking about it. i think the plot's fine so far. i mean, i already knew about that though. it is not written very well. in all honesty, it seems like a teenager themselves wrote it. but not in a good way. something about it still makes me turn my nose up. i don't know.
i will admit, though, i love Edward. no doubt he sounds so perfect. gosh, i won't even start. except he annoys me when he gets angry. but i fall in love with a lot of characters i read about. and as for Bella...well, i wish the book was not entirely from her perspective. i'd like to read it from Edwards (yes, i know that there are 12 chapters written from edward's POV starting from the day he sees her leaked onto the internet). this book is entertaining, but it's like a "beach read" or a "rainy day book" which could be good considering this rain never lets up here. but i have not so much desire to 1. finish the book and 2. read the other ones. i'm going to finish it though. and i'll probably read those leaked chapters from Edward's POV..but i don't know. i don't see the cause for all the uproar. i mean, it kind of angers me that this woman is making so much money from these books and movie spin offs. but whatever.
this is just my opinion. it matters not at all.

oh, and i'm downloading the movie right now. i watched a bit of it, but it messed up. what i saw, i was really unimpressed. i like how it looks, but i'm not sure if i like anything else. the girl that plays bella doesn't even seem like that good of an actress...but i have a lot more of the film to see.

but, if you've already read all the twilight books, and want one to read: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. i'm reading it, well was before i got Twilight. and man, Dave Eggers is my man. i'm in love with everything he writes. and wow. this is his first book. so, so impressive. he writes like my throught process. just flowing and no true grammitcal correctness. i mean, he'll repeat words like like like that. and he's just honest and funny and truth be told, heartbreaking. genius. love.

"As a kid I had the chicken pox
the german measles and the scarlet fever
and I don't ever want to go through that again

I had to tell my little broken heart
I had to tell it I'm immune to love
'cause I don't ever want to go through that again

You can't have it once you've had it
You can't have it once you've had it
You can't have it once you've had it, no"
mmm delightful song. Chicken Pox by I'm From Barcelona (baha they aren't even from SPAIN!)

ho humm./ not sleeping is a strange thing. to my complete shock, i find i have more energy during the day than usually. so bizarre. and i don't find it all that hard to stay awake. i mean, i'm not forcing myself so to say. i just don't like wasting time. although, i inevitably fall asleep in driver's Ed each day this week. but i think that's the class. it is just tiresome. i'm sure i'll fall ill by the end of the week or something. that usually happens when i can't sleep for a long time. i get sick and then sleep nonstop.

are you lightning?

new year.
i keep seeing so many "2008 year in reviews" and "preparation for 2009" themed things and it's kind of overwhelming.
2008...
i don't want to reminisce in all honesty. for me, it is unhealthy to dwell on my past and i do it far too often. stay in the moment.
2009.
so insignificant. if there are over 6 billion people right NOW, i'm nothing. and then considering the number of folks that were alive thousands of years before. adds up. and i'm nothing. we're everything. i can't decide whether things change or they always stay the same. right now, i think it's stupid to even think about that. some things change. some things don't. keep moving.
but that command, to keep moving, it sounds so harsh. like, "get back in line and keep moving. don't hold anything up. we've gotta keep all this running smoothly here"
so. i will keep moving. not for the sake of the world. but for me. to feel the sense of movement. i think that should be a sixth sense: movement. i mean why not? i think everyon has more than five senses but since no one voices them, no one understands. and they can't quite wrap their minds around it. can't call it anything because it has no name. you can't hear, taste, see, feel, or smell it. and we are taught those 5 things and nothing else. anything else is dillusion. nay. i don't believe. why would be limited to five? we hold such a great capacity. we do. you, you do.
you can feel movement. but it's not really "feeling" because there are no nerves involved. and come to think of it what about emotions. wouldn't that be a sense on it's own? i mean, just like being blind, some people are numb and can't "feel" emotions. right?

sorrysorry.
happy new years.
resolution: move.

it's all different after you're gone. after i leave.
when the lights are on, when the fog's cleared.
you aren't. you aren't a lot of things. you are not much.
i am. i am too many things. i'm not simple.
maybe it should be that way. Lord knows i have enough baggage for two - or more.
but i, honestly, don't think that has anything to do with this.
it's the way you talk so loud. the way you think you know when i'm not in the mood to talk. the way you do things to impress other people, rather than me. the way you think you know what your doing. the way you assume. the way you seem to forget important things yet never drop subjects i'd prefer not to speak off. the way you bring up the past; which i could do well without. the way you just stare at me when i'm thinking, not speaking.
the way this feels-
or rather, the way it doesn't.

why, dear heart, do you attach us to such silly things, making it impossible to do without.

sayyessayyessayyes

you know, maybe it was a good thing you left me alone in the library.
still, i can't help but hate you for taking advantage like that. not again.
no.


whoa, life. woe.


\i read this book a couple days ago, and it was one of the most clear, poignant works i've ever read through. i'm just saying. it's made me reconsider a lot. and i sort of get it now. i can't keep blocking things from my memory. afterall, when they resurface it's always terrible. but i should just remember things. and accept them. and it's weighty, yes, and in a way, they're chains. but i can breathe in the air. and i can fly. i just have to keep moving. stay in motion. and swallow that air. soon i'll be light. or something like that.


"When we pass by another person without telling them we love them it’s cruel and wrong and we all know this."
"The only infallible truth of our lives is that everything we love in life will be taken from us"

those are from that book. You Shall Know Our Velocity! i finished it in 5th period friday, and i gave it to Mr. Montgomery. i also left my bookmark in there. it was one of my Polaroids with type-written words on it. it was this tree and the sky that day, it was crazy, it was all orange and crazy. but the picture came out a lot darker. and i typed "accept loss forever" on it.
i do that. i give my books away. for good. unless it's one i'll read multiple times, like perks of being a wallflower, and on the road. i dunno, maybe i'll give those up too. not perks. never perks. but i do that bookmark thing too. i always have to use something real good as my bookmark, since i'm going to see it each time i open the book, right? and i pass those on when i let people borrow my books. habit.

i miss my best friend. i miss playing piano. i miss my hands moving so eloquently, my head falling and rising with the music. i miss writing at any free moment i had, being that girl always with the pen in her journal, writing at a show, waiting on a ride. i miss making notes and passing them in between classes. i miss the warm summer sun, setting on my skin and embracing me. unlike the winter wind, cold and pushing. i miss running through fields, collapsing down, loving the earth and the sky and the space in between. that's my space. there's none of that space in this house. that's where the movement happens. and where i feel.
oh but i miss that little house by the beach every day of my life. with it's chipping teal and yellow paint. it's rusted door knob. the cold air blowing endlessly. so cool. it was such an escape from the heat of the weather outside. and that bed. such a stiff mattress, with the noises it would make when i turned in my sleep. two windows. opposite each other on the two parallel walls. the nights it rained, i swore i heard footsteps circling my tiny abode. i was so afraid. but not when i heard your voice. never when i hear your voice. still not when i hear your voice. but that house. it was my first feeling of leaving in a space alone. it was too true.
i'll need you, you know. in this blank months. i'll need the warmth you always have. i'll need to fall into your arms. for you to pick me up. i need your whispers in my ear. stringing some sort of wordy song together. something close to love, but not really anywhere near. i need this. and your laugh to bring a smile to my face. your hands to hold me still when i shake. oh, and your eyes. those are when i die. when you hold my stare. and i can't break free. i can't leave. i could never leave. you know. i'd like to believe it's mutual. but, you. you're just not that way. we're both restless.
oh, but you, you captivate..


and this is not how i should feel. endlessgroanofdespairgoesrighthere.

but i can't let go. i can't block this out. let it linger.

i fear that this body is so constricting.

i forgot how cold it got in the winter.
i don't mean that literally.
everything is so much darker in these months.
and i know.
i know i'm going back to my old ways.
because i already have plans to.
swear i'm the worst person i know. the most confused. and so, so lost.
why, winter, why?

i would give so much just for it to be summer again.
although my efforts will not yield that, i'm going to give anyways.
i have to get rid of all this baggage. literal and emotional.

i hope you know i blame you for all of this. and yet, i'd drop it all for you, and you still make me smile like i've never known, and still i think we could, and still i have hope. i couldn't help but ask about you the other day. and i hurt when i heard you don't say much about me anymore. i was blind and i'm sorry. i did rather enjoy our conversation in the hall the other day though. things don't change.

why would i sabotage the best thing that i have?

okayokayokay.

it's been a while, but epiphany struck me today:

=it is all in my head.
everything.
like this (this being troubles in my life) is all so unreal.
i make it all up in my mind
in my mind,
i spend far too much time in there to begin with.
it gets dangerous.
i create, and recreate scenarios and lies and illusions.
there's my problem.
and i will solve it.
i will throw myself into the world.
quit living within myself. quit withdrawing and standing still.
i've noticed a difference.
no more gray. no more.
no more blank pages. because i am really going to go crazy now. literally. insane, but outside of the membrane, right?
the good crazy. the entertaining crazy.

right. whatever. see you out there.





"I tried lies; lies, they cripple crowded rooms and; lies take way too much time"
yeah, sooo, i don't think i'm going to lie anymore. really. i like the sound of that. so this should be interesting.


what's really crazy though, is that i still have paint on my feet from a week ago. how does that even happen?


i still shake though. and i still feel the nausea. and i still have bad posture. but, i bought a book today that i have no idea what is about(there was nothing on the back cover or inside), i have Pic(typewriter), Audrey(nikon), and Alex(polaroid), a new Sigur Ros cd, a journal to wreck, a best friend to unleash my far-too-dark thoughts, a christmas list to create, a lot of books to mail to strangers, a lot of books that will be mailed to me by strangers, strange obsession with "hands open" by snow patrol, $58.55 in coins, $600+ in bills in a wine bottle on my windowsill, $200+ in the bank, no faith in banks, stumbleupon, gravity, dirt, the earth, the feeling of the wind tonight that blew waytoo perfectly tobereal, a mother who thinks i'm mentally instable, a pair of pants that needs sewing, math homework that needs completing, no desire to do well in school, broken a spell, luck, a thrift-store shopping-spree soon, too much.
i have now.

it's like my whole life never happened when i see you

dear impossible-

"i'm happy that you really care, but do you really know how scary this is for you and is for me? oh, do you really know?"

-emotionally yours

shit.
"emotionally yours" by bob dylan. on repeat for the past, what?, 3 hours? that's about right. and too much coffee. looks like i'm not sleeping tonight either. oh, and thanks for giving up last night. i hope you enjoyed your rest. i slept in school.


(this all means nothing.)


time doesn't exist. now. now. allthereisisnow. all the moments are the same. everything's constant.
my mind is blown. just gonna go listen to some sonic youth, yeah, sounds good.

http://www.completeevil.com/geek.html



that just made my effing life.

so did this:
stand with your lover on the ending earth-

and while a(huge which by which huger than
huge)whoing sea leaps to greenly hurl snow

suppose we could not love,dear;imagine

ourselves like living neither nor dead these
(or many thousand hearts which don't and dream
or many million minds which sleep and move)
blind sands,at pitiless the mercy of

time time time time time

-how fortunate are you and i,whose home
is timelessness:we who have wandered down
from fragrant mountains of eternal now

to frolic in such mysteries as birth
and death a day(or maybe even less)

thank you e.e.cummings. neverfail

blue vs. white.

i'm not sure how i feel about all of this.

this=everything.
everything=anything
anything=no limits
no limits=infinity




i'm sitting here, trying to figure out just why exactly this song doesn't sound the same.
it doesn't sound the same in light as it did in the dark.
it doesn't sound the same in warmth as it did in the cold.
i don't know why.
maybe it had something to do with the rain on the windows.



i'm not sure how i feel about all of this.


"there is not justice
no truth
no forgiveness
no getting around it
and no turning back
there are only shadows of you and me
and splinters of light were hope breaks between"

-http://www.graphicpoetry.net/index.html (this guy so ripped of a softer world, but i like his poetry)


i got an e-mail today. the subject said "congratulations!" i read further to see "you're not crazy!"
and i closed the window, shut off the computer, and cried. i hate spam.