i dreamed i was replaced by a railroad

i know it's not fair. i know i put up with her bullshit. i know it's one-sided. but i don't care. because even if it's not true, i believe she would drop everything for me like i do for her. and clearly she means the world to me. and i know she treats me less than what i'm worth. but it doesn't matter to me. and maybe one day i will realize it. and i will learn. but right now, she's all i have. and i would do anything for her. i'm sure she wouldn't ruin her family for me, like i did for her last night, but to be honest, it had just been building up for years. that was just a shove in the direction to say how i feel to you. and to let you know how wrong you are and how much i hate this house that's not a home. and i may regret saying that to you one day. i probably hurt you, but you don't know how much i've been hurting. and how much i've been yearning to get out. you just don't understand. and that's what i resent.

and you. how could you know how much i care. and hear how much i was fighting for you and then tell me a few moments later that everything was okay now. what the hell. i can't believe that. i can't believe you let him talk his way out of everything. but you do. and i know why you do. but it's so wrong. no one should be treated like that. and i want you two to be happy but you can't let him get away with that. i won't let him get away with it. especially since i just lost so much for you.

this is completely accidental. our whole time together has been an accident. but now i'm in. and this won't end well. i didn't mean to, but i need you now. i can't have you looking the other way, or going in another direction. i need you to see me. and to listen to me. and i don't need this to be pity. i need you to care. i need to care. i need you to need me. and i'll try to not be a wreck. i'm here. this is not what i wanted. but this is what it is. and i cannot afford to let you go now. i'm just paranoid i think. but i mean every word. it all means something.

i'm really liking folk music again lately. it's good to hear. it makes me feel like i'm part of a story. and it makes me feel like i'm somewhere else. which is necessary to my existence.

oh, i have no idea what i'm doing. none of my life has been planned. none of this was pre-meditated. i am impulsive. and i make my moves on the spot. i never planned to scream how i've felt for my whole life in your face. i never planned to give everything up for someone who would never do the same. i never planned to need you so much. i never planned to get so close. i never planned to hate someone as much as i do you. i never planned to leave. i never planned to go through with my wildest dreams. i never planned any of this. and now, i don't know what to think. i don't know what to do.