i have the sickest, most looming, dangerous, fearful feeling in my gut right now.

and i hate it. and i hate you. and i've said it. and it's true. and i wish i could erase your memory. our memories. i wish i could shake them as easily as i've been pulling out my hair over this. what i would give to never see your face again? what wouldn't i do to rid myself of you?

the uncountable cups of coffee can't rid myself of this hang-over like daze i've been in for the past couple of days. it's more than physical.
too many factors are playing on this. too much. i can't handle. why. can we just not talk about it. can we just not. i'd beg if i'd have to. not true. i'm far too proud. also not true. i've already begged.
and why and when and where and who and how and once again, why? repeat. repeat. repeat again until it never gets old. just get sicker and sicker with this feeling that holds no name. but holds me captive. no relief.

hair's falling out, not to mention i'm pulling it out. biting my nails down to nothing. consuming more coffee than i'm sure any human should. can't sleep*. every muscle is sore for no apparent reason. and sometimes i just can't breathe.

what do i call this? what is this nausea?



*not due to the caffiene. i've gone some days without it. and some just with decaf. it's something else.