ahh

i didn't even realize how much pride i had to swallow before i noticed the tears running down my face from choking on all of it.
so, this is new. this is a change. for the better i think. i'm really vulnerable, but to my utter surprise, it has only gotten better. so i'm doing this one day at a time. tomorrow? wha? i have not even considered that. if i do, i'll start hyperventilating maybe. just in this moment. i'm here and okay.

but nostalgia has never kicked in this hard. i can't quite remembering your face and how hard you made me laugh. i cannot forget all the time we shared, good or bad. you were a part of my life. and i don't think you deserved what i did. how i left. but i'm okay. and i know you are too. i think you would love to know how much everyone loves and misses you. you probably already do though.
but i will never be able to listen to smashing pumpkins without thinking about you. and i'll never be able to eat marshmallows without remembering you. even that one shade of green reminds me of you always. i know you will not soon be forgotten. i'd like to believe you know how sorry i am. and how i wish i could just hug you once more, and tell you that you were one of the best guys.
i cannot shake your image from my head. even with my eyes open, you are all i see.


i don't believe in coincidences. i don't believe it was just by chance that the first song i heard after hearing about you was "james" by Great Book of John
and i don't think it was just random that when i opened my bible that night, it landed in the book of James.
so i believe everything happens for a reason. even if i don't know why. because i don't. no one here does. you will not soon be forgotten.