incurable humanist

i have not been this speechless in a long time.
but tonight awoke way too many emotions and memories. and i can't quite handle this. it's a first. and i have to live. i can't do this. not anymore. this, this hatred and these fights, it's far to tolling. too tiring and way too sickening.
i have already waited too long, i've learned. i have taken far too much for granted. i have wasted away in pettiness and pride. believed far too many lies to justify myself and to ease my own pain.

and i couldn't tell you how long it's been since i cried on someone's shoulder before tonight.
i could not tell you how long it's been since i have felt loved like i once did.

i don't know. and i don't expect anyone else to. i don't expect You to give me answers. i pray that You guide me and show me what to do.