i have the sickest, most looming, dangerous, fearful feeling in my gut right now.

and i hate it. and i hate you. and i've said it. and it's true. and i wish i could erase your memory. our memories. i wish i could shake them as easily as i've been pulling out my hair over this. what i would give to never see your face again? what wouldn't i do to rid myself of you?

the uncountable cups of coffee can't rid myself of this hang-over like daze i've been in for the past couple of days. it's more than physical.
too many factors are playing on this. too much. i can't handle. why. can we just not talk about it. can we just not. i'd beg if i'd have to. not true. i'm far too proud. also not true. i've already begged.
and why and when and where and who and how and once again, why? repeat. repeat. repeat again until it never gets old. just get sicker and sicker with this feeling that holds no name. but holds me captive. no relief.

hair's falling out, not to mention i'm pulling it out. biting my nails down to nothing. consuming more coffee than i'm sure any human should. can't sleep*. every muscle is sore for no apparent reason. and sometimes i just can't breathe.

what do i call this? what is this nausea?



*not due to the caffiene. i've gone some days without it. and some just with decaf. it's something else.

the cardinals

SETLIST:
> Into The Light > Cobwebs > Goodnight Rose > Everybody Knows > Come Pick Me Up > Sink Ships > Stereo Sweets > Peaceful Valley > Please Do Not Let Me Go > Grand Island > Stop > Shakedown > Fix It > Wonderwall > > A Natural Ghost > Rescue Blues > Sun Also Sets > Two > Easy Plateau > Mockingbird Sings > The Crazy Dude Song > Meadowlake Street > Note To Self Please Don’t Die > Freeway > Bartering Lines > Cold Roses



i died tonight. and came back to life.
more details once i de-zombify and get sleep.

Didn't I see you when you thought you'd never stand out

a few of my favorite things:
-drinking strongly brewed coffee in my new "I heart Jim" coffee mug i got at urban outfitters today
-the sound my Polaroid camera makes when it takes a picture
-listening to Copeland songs and not crying, because i'm not missing anything
-running in a field and falling to the ground to bask in the sun
-screaming my heart out
-having you by my side
-Bob Dylan hair
-stealing McCain/Palin signs
-community and shelter
-giving up and giving in
-feeling dizzy
-having no feeling of need for my possessions.
-feeding the souls and bodies of those you need nurturing.
-going past my comfort level
-laughing until i can't breathe/spit out my drink/it hurts



all this in one weekend.
and my math test tomorrow is the last thing on my mind.

p.s. RYAN ADAMS HAS CREATED HIS OWN BLOG!!!!(the other one was the cardinals' blog) effing yes. i am dancing with joy. http://foggy.davidryanadams.com/
yee-uh sonnn.

givegivegive. and give some more

garage sale today. i put almost all my things from my old room up for sale. not all of it sold, but i let my mom have all the money except $35. or rather, that's all my mom would give me. but that's okay. i just don't want my stuff anymore
i got some lunch at Zoe's today, and i got a tub of chicken salad and pita chips, and i didn't eat a lot of it so i had a lot leftover. my friend hannah and i decided to give the rest to a homeless woman who generally hangs out around downtown homewood. it was so sweet and good, and i loved the feeling of happiness it gave me. such joy.
i've been bitten by this "must give all" bug and it's occupying most of my thoughts.
even though lwynn and i jacked 4 McCain/Palin signs tonight. but i think that's justified by the fact that Obama will give the needy more than McCain. so there.

also today, molly found YET another glorygloryglorious field.
too. good... for words.
so needed. and so welcomed.
and molly uttered the words, "don't you just view everything different?'
and yes, i do. everything is so much brighter and so much more beautiful. the blues are deeper and pure. the greens are lusterous and wonderful.
had to close my eyes upon returning to a human populated area. the sight of so many people driving cars, probably not even looking at the breath-taking sky above them, made me feel ill.

oh Lord. you laid me in the field of flowers today. and i love You.

thinking of giving away most of my possessions. so serious. it sounds beautiful.
they're all just harnessing me down anyways.

oh, and everything? if i did that. oh i can only imagine how i'd feel.
i just want to feel. and give. and love. and help.
i miss the feeling of community.

getting rid of all the capacity that carries my STUFF, i would have so much free space. i mean that literally and as in my ability to care. i mean, my gosh. wonderful.


alright. i feel so good already. it's going. i'm gone.
i'm ready.

don't ask me what i'm doing with my life.
i no longer have any clue.

my next short-term goal is not to pass my history test tomorrow, no, see i don't even have any goals anymore. although i do want to climb that fire-escape...

i can never get close, i can never get close enough, i can never get close enough to you

"all my life i've been lost out in the darkness,
but i can't ever seem to get enough."


and why? i just want to know. was i not fine before you? why will i continue to chart my path into the same puddle of quicksand. stuck forever. slowly sinking. why? this is not need. this is something deeper. something was always missing. and i came close to telling you. oh, no, i'll never show you the weakness. you are right. but i don't care. and i can't seem to get enough.
oh, i'm setting myself up for this one. with complete awareness. can't keep myself to do anything else though. can i get a sign of hope from you? no, that won't do. i need proof. and i need you to be different. and not be the low standards i think you'll fill.


(i just love metaphors)


"I didn't ask you to stay. But you stayed.

I never asked you who you were
Or what you wanted. You were simply there.
What did you want from me, love? Was I not stronger alone?
And did I ever need you? But stay a bit longer.
Not long until they stop asking how I am
and I stop answering, "Fine."
Everyone can tell at a glance: You are here.
If you ever leave me
I will go with you."