spring forward.

sorry blog. i have since replaced my old missing writing book (terror) with a new glorious mole-skin.
you are lacking attention now, i realize.
also, only on internet 1once a week for 7 weeks. tough break.

actually, not so bad at all. good break.

i make a lot of lists now. and have stopped caring about our maids, so i have put back up my post-its. rather, i have written many back out, and will put them back up after they come tomorrow :)

i am happy. the universe feels like it has blown out a long-held in breath which is winter. i like this spring winds and all the colors; so much beauty i don't know what to do with it except create more by planting a garden.
i feel so good despite so many things which just seem so tiny.
you, you are a self-pitying boy with low self-esteem; i get it. one day you'll be confident enough to go forward.
you, you keep abandoning everything in your life, and i just feel sorry for you. i'm no longer angry for you leaving me behind. you dust you kicked up has settled and i can see now, i don't need you.
you, well, i don't even have to say anything which is the best thing possible and i've waited so long for this and i'm glad. so content. and okay, most of all, i'm able now.
you, i am proud of. you've grown and realized and come to terms with the truth. i'm so happy to see YOU again and not him inside you, or her, or them. in your eyes, i see you.
yous yous yous yous. i love yous.

i am trying to break your heart

why is that song becoming true? maybe just because i can't stop listening to it.
i'm sorry.


this weekend, would have been perfect, had you not spoken a word to me.
and also, had i not met a boy that looked ex.act.ly. like you. and he was a jerk like you. probably worse. actually, probably not, i'll just always try and downplay how terrible you are. but oh my gosh. why did he even have to cross my eyesight. and oh, the nerve of him to talk to me. for my own sake. he even sounded like you. oh it killed me. it hurt so much. not only that, but just that night smelled how you always did. which i'm not sure how that happens or what it means, but it was torture. today was been a pure battle to speak to you or not. i've lost. just by even thinking of you, i've lost. i always lose.