it's all different after you're gone. after i leave.
when the lights are on, when the fog's cleared.
you aren't. you aren't a lot of things. you are not much.
i am. i am too many things. i'm not simple.
maybe it should be that way. Lord knows i have enough baggage for two - or more.
but i, honestly, don't think that has anything to do with this.
it's the way you talk so loud. the way you think you know when i'm not in the mood to talk. the way you do things to impress other people, rather than me. the way you think you know what your doing. the way you assume. the way you seem to forget important things yet never drop subjects i'd prefer not to speak off. the way you bring up the past; which i could do well without. the way you just stare at me when i'm thinking, not speaking.
the way this feels-
or rather, the way it doesn't.

why, dear heart, do you attach us to such silly things, making it impossible to do without.

sayyessayyessayyes

you know, maybe it was a good thing you left me alone in the library.
still, i can't help but hate you for taking advantage like that. not again.
no.


whoa, life. woe.


\i read this book a couple days ago, and it was one of the most clear, poignant works i've ever read through. i'm just saying. it's made me reconsider a lot. and i sort of get it now. i can't keep blocking things from my memory. afterall, when they resurface it's always terrible. but i should just remember things. and accept them. and it's weighty, yes, and in a way, they're chains. but i can breathe in the air. and i can fly. i just have to keep moving. stay in motion. and swallow that air. soon i'll be light. or something like that.


"When we pass by another person without telling them we love them it’s cruel and wrong and we all know this."
"The only infallible truth of our lives is that everything we love in life will be taken from us"

those are from that book. You Shall Know Our Velocity! i finished it in 5th period friday, and i gave it to Mr. Montgomery. i also left my bookmark in there. it was one of my Polaroids with type-written words on it. it was this tree and the sky that day, it was crazy, it was all orange and crazy. but the picture came out a lot darker. and i typed "accept loss forever" on it.
i do that. i give my books away. for good. unless it's one i'll read multiple times, like perks of being a wallflower, and on the road. i dunno, maybe i'll give those up too. not perks. never perks. but i do that bookmark thing too. i always have to use something real good as my bookmark, since i'm going to see it each time i open the book, right? and i pass those on when i let people borrow my books. habit.

i miss my best friend. i miss playing piano. i miss my hands moving so eloquently, my head falling and rising with the music. i miss writing at any free moment i had, being that girl always with the pen in her journal, writing at a show, waiting on a ride. i miss making notes and passing them in between classes. i miss the warm summer sun, setting on my skin and embracing me. unlike the winter wind, cold and pushing. i miss running through fields, collapsing down, loving the earth and the sky and the space in between. that's my space. there's none of that space in this house. that's where the movement happens. and where i feel.
oh but i miss that little house by the beach every day of my life. with it's chipping teal and yellow paint. it's rusted door knob. the cold air blowing endlessly. so cool. it was such an escape from the heat of the weather outside. and that bed. such a stiff mattress, with the noises it would make when i turned in my sleep. two windows. opposite each other on the two parallel walls. the nights it rained, i swore i heard footsteps circling my tiny abode. i was so afraid. but not when i heard your voice. never when i hear your voice. still not when i hear your voice. but that house. it was my first feeling of leaving in a space alone. it was too true.
i'll need you, you know. in this blank months. i'll need the warmth you always have. i'll need to fall into your arms. for you to pick me up. i need your whispers in my ear. stringing some sort of wordy song together. something close to love, but not really anywhere near. i need this. and your laugh to bring a smile to my face. your hands to hold me still when i shake. oh, and your eyes. those are when i die. when you hold my stare. and i can't break free. i can't leave. i could never leave. you know. i'd like to believe it's mutual. but, you. you're just not that way. we're both restless.
oh, but you, you captivate..


and this is not how i should feel. endlessgroanofdespairgoesrighthere.

but i can't let go. i can't block this out. let it linger.

i fear that this body is so constricting.

i forgot how cold it got in the winter.
i don't mean that literally.
everything is so much darker in these months.
and i know.
i know i'm going back to my old ways.
because i already have plans to.
swear i'm the worst person i know. the most confused. and so, so lost.
why, winter, why?

i would give so much just for it to be summer again.
although my efforts will not yield that, i'm going to give anyways.
i have to get rid of all this baggage. literal and emotional.

i hope you know i blame you for all of this. and yet, i'd drop it all for you, and you still make me smile like i've never known, and still i think we could, and still i have hope. i couldn't help but ask about you the other day. and i hurt when i heard you don't say much about me anymore. i was blind and i'm sorry. i did rather enjoy our conversation in the hall the other day though. things don't change.

why would i sabotage the best thing that i have?

okayokayokay.

it's been a while, but epiphany struck me today:

=it is all in my head.
everything.
like this (this being troubles in my life) is all so unreal.
i make it all up in my mind
in my mind,
i spend far too much time in there to begin with.
it gets dangerous.
i create, and recreate scenarios and lies and illusions.
there's my problem.
and i will solve it.
i will throw myself into the world.
quit living within myself. quit withdrawing and standing still.
i've noticed a difference.
no more gray. no more.
no more blank pages. because i am really going to go crazy now. literally. insane, but outside of the membrane, right?
the good crazy. the entertaining crazy.

right. whatever. see you out there.





"I tried lies; lies, they cripple crowded rooms and; lies take way too much time"
yeah, sooo, i don't think i'm going to lie anymore. really. i like the sound of that. so this should be interesting.


what's really crazy though, is that i still have paint on my feet from a week ago. how does that even happen?


i still shake though. and i still feel the nausea. and i still have bad posture. but, i bought a book today that i have no idea what is about(there was nothing on the back cover or inside), i have Pic(typewriter), Audrey(nikon), and Alex(polaroid), a new Sigur Ros cd, a journal to wreck, a best friend to unleash my far-too-dark thoughts, a christmas list to create, a lot of books to mail to strangers, a lot of books that will be mailed to me by strangers, strange obsession with "hands open" by snow patrol, $58.55 in coins, $600+ in bills in a wine bottle on my windowsill, $200+ in the bank, no faith in banks, stumbleupon, gravity, dirt, the earth, the feeling of the wind tonight that blew waytoo perfectly tobereal, a mother who thinks i'm mentally instable, a pair of pants that needs sewing, math homework that needs completing, no desire to do well in school, broken a spell, luck, a thrift-store shopping-spree soon, too much.
i have now.

it's like my whole life never happened when i see you

dear impossible-

"i'm happy that you really care, but do you really know how scary this is for you and is for me? oh, do you really know?"

-emotionally yours

shit.
"emotionally yours" by bob dylan. on repeat for the past, what?, 3 hours? that's about right. and too much coffee. looks like i'm not sleeping tonight either. oh, and thanks for giving up last night. i hope you enjoyed your rest. i slept in school.


(this all means nothing.)


time doesn't exist. now. now. allthereisisnow. all the moments are the same. everything's constant.
my mind is blown. just gonna go listen to some sonic youth, yeah, sounds good.