sayyessayyessayyes

you know, maybe it was a good thing you left me alone in the library.
still, i can't help but hate you for taking advantage like that. not again.
no.


whoa, life. woe.


\i read this book a couple days ago, and it was one of the most clear, poignant works i've ever read through. i'm just saying. it's made me reconsider a lot. and i sort of get it now. i can't keep blocking things from my memory. afterall, when they resurface it's always terrible. but i should just remember things. and accept them. and it's weighty, yes, and in a way, they're chains. but i can breathe in the air. and i can fly. i just have to keep moving. stay in motion. and swallow that air. soon i'll be light. or something like that.


"When we pass by another person without telling them we love them it’s cruel and wrong and we all know this."
"The only infallible truth of our lives is that everything we love in life will be taken from us"

those are from that book. You Shall Know Our Velocity! i finished it in 5th period friday, and i gave it to Mr. Montgomery. i also left my bookmark in there. it was one of my Polaroids with type-written words on it. it was this tree and the sky that day, it was crazy, it was all orange and crazy. but the picture came out a lot darker. and i typed "accept loss forever" on it.
i do that. i give my books away. for good. unless it's one i'll read multiple times, like perks of being a wallflower, and on the road. i dunno, maybe i'll give those up too. not perks. never perks. but i do that bookmark thing too. i always have to use something real good as my bookmark, since i'm going to see it each time i open the book, right? and i pass those on when i let people borrow my books. habit.

i miss my best friend. i miss playing piano. i miss my hands moving so eloquently, my head falling and rising with the music. i miss writing at any free moment i had, being that girl always with the pen in her journal, writing at a show, waiting on a ride. i miss making notes and passing them in between classes. i miss the warm summer sun, setting on my skin and embracing me. unlike the winter wind, cold and pushing. i miss running through fields, collapsing down, loving the earth and the sky and the space in between. that's my space. there's none of that space in this house. that's where the movement happens. and where i feel.
oh but i miss that little house by the beach every day of my life. with it's chipping teal and yellow paint. it's rusted door knob. the cold air blowing endlessly. so cool. it was such an escape from the heat of the weather outside. and that bed. such a stiff mattress, with the noises it would make when i turned in my sleep. two windows. opposite each other on the two parallel walls. the nights it rained, i swore i heard footsteps circling my tiny abode. i was so afraid. but not when i heard your voice. never when i hear your voice. still not when i hear your voice. but that house. it was my first feeling of leaving in a space alone. it was too true.
i'll need you, you know. in this blank months. i'll need the warmth you always have. i'll need to fall into your arms. for you to pick me up. i need your whispers in my ear. stringing some sort of wordy song together. something close to love, but not really anywhere near. i need this. and your laugh to bring a smile to my face. your hands to hold me still when i shake. oh, and your eyes. those are when i die. when you hold my stare. and i can't break free. i can't leave. i could never leave. you know. i'd like to believe it's mutual. but, you. you're just not that way. we're both restless.
oh, but you, you captivate..


and this is not how i should feel. endlessgroanofdespairgoesrighthere.

but i can't let go. i can't block this out. let it linger.