you really had me for a while

-i drove past your house today, not exactly sure which one it was., but almost calling you to celebrate this last day of sin and gluttony before lent. came so close. i could almost feel the rush of cold air that would stop my lungs for a moment when you would open the door to get in the passenger seat.
-i drove past your house today, twice, creating a different story each time. apathetic to each one. apathetic each time. all the time. with you. i lie. i'm sorry. hardly, actually. damn,. maybe i am sorry. shitstick.
-and i drove past your house today, more like parked in front of it for 30seconds of that song that i always start screaming at and will, i know, always make my stomach hurt from that one bitter, terrible moment when my heart lept out of my chest thinking it could make the jump to you across the cliff. but it fell short. that false hope you let out. that unintentional motion i would only notice. i'm a fool. i can't believe i believed it would happen. foolfoolfool. i can't even tell if you know what i feel. i don't know if you realize you're the only one i'm always, unfailingly honest with. pathetic fool.
-i don't remember how to get to your house. actually, i've purposefully forgotten. but i would so drive past and do something illegal,. you know.

i'm not a creep. i just take the long way back to my house all the time. go in circles and loops. but it's cool. i hypermile, so gas is golden.

i am sorry. not sorry enough to put you and i both out of our misery. so, sorry for that too.

you're a tether. and i'm the kind of person who loses it. do you even know how close i've come while knowing you. of course not. not at all., because you don't even know. at all. you thought about it. because you compared us. me and her. once fucking again. and you were wrong. and you asked your questions so carefully. tip-toeing as if right then and there i'd fall apart at the mere probing of someone who actually cared enough to ask. no. hell no. dillusioinal. i'm not that kind of person. i'm glad i'm not that kind of person or we wouldn't even be on speaking terms for the harsh truths i'd tell you.
maybe no one deserves this. i'm sure no one does. and yet, i do these things to myself. looking back, i think it's to prove people wrong. that would explain everything just about. i think i'm fine with that.
i don't think i care any longer. i think i'll go until i'm left with no other choice. until i won't have to see your face. and see the guilt. guilt always has the upperhand.

i was going to buy an acoustic guitar,
but this jack-ass ran a red light, hit my car, and drove off.
now, i have to pay for the repairs myself.
my 2nd day of driving my car. wow.
it's just a dent and scratched up. i wouldn't fix it if my dad hadn't given me a "take pride in what you own" speech. i just want to be a proud owner of a guitar.
so with all the money i've been saving almost a year, i get to fix my car. hurrah.

i hate the internet.
after being off for a week, i'm sick of it.
i don't like this "instant gratification" stuff.
i'd rather take more time writing/type-writing, then blogging.
i'd rather experiment thing than just google a recipie/directions.
ugh. annoying. there's too much
i especially hate facebook. i want to delete everyone except for people i actually WANT to keep up with. but i would offend to many people and there'd be some harsh, harsh truths revealed.
i just hate having SHIT show up on my screen that i'm forced to see. so hardly no more facebook because it just annoys the crap out of me now.

i'm hating people. so many fakes.
loner time.

doesn't help that i'm IMMERSING myself in the catcher in the rye considering that's what i'm writing my research paper on. and i can't stop using holden's little phrases or what not.

so frustrated, uninspired, angry, bitter, jealous, annoyed, aggigated, angered, violated, (a ton of angry emotions) and whatever.
this life i've made isn't suiting me.
i'm about to start doing some spring cleaning. going to close some doors and burn some bridges.
damn. i'll hate myself later. i'll never know why i do this. i feel too...safe. too routine. too fucking right. i don't like this.
i need something to fix. i need something to break.