into thin air

"i'm in a book for you to read and then throw out.
i wasn't born, i was just dropped into your arms.
well, mom, i've been bad and i want to come home."


each day gets easier, or just more tolerable.
each day is just one less, actually.
maybe it's this new CD, or the weight of an essay lifted from my shoulders.

all i know is i felt human today.
i had, probably, 20 ounces of water spilled across my desk, which of course, dripped to the crotch of my pants. and it seriously looked like i had peed my pants. a lot.
hilarious.

and i'm looking for a sign. and i think i may have found one today. but i don't want to believe it. cowardly.

hey shame,
how you doin'? it's been awhile. but glad to see you've made yourself at home.although i have to say: i didn't miss you one bit. you're welcome to leave whenever you'd like.

the cure for summer nostalgia might just be the crisp, cool air of autumn.

i'm thinking of chopping a good 6 inches off my hair. hmm.

I will haunt you like a ghost.

i should be doing an essay right now. one i actually should have written weeks before now. oh well, i'll probably just do it during study tomorrow.
and i can't express how much i despise school.
i can't express how much i despise the people there.
just so many of them are so fake and try to be something they're not and it is pathetic. i don't fucking get it. i'm glad i don't. i would hate to be some phony person worrying about what everyone thought about me. what a miserable, sad life that would be. what a pathetic person that would be.
who gives a damn. i'm so sick of this. i can't walk 10 feet without seeing someone give me a judgemental look. and i can't go 1 foot without seeing someone giving someone else a judgmental look. i can't stand it.
i hate how advanced our school is or whatever. these classes are killing me. frankly, i don't care at all really. but my parents do. and i just hate hearing the same lectures and getting in the same arguments. and tonight i told my mom i was not my sister nor my brother and she actually said, "yes, you are."

i wish i wasn't the last child and didn't have to live up to their standards and expectations.


it's all just too overwhelming. every. thing.
and i can feel myself withdrawing, and forgetting how to handle social situations, and forgetting what freedom feels like.
the freest i've felt this week was walking around the school barefoot. still in shackles and chains.
limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits.limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits. limits.

physical, emotional, spiritual, pshycological.
can i break them?

oh you know.

oh, i have learned so much in the past couple of days. more than i can put into words. my heart has grown, and my mind has been opened.

i do not think anyone can fathom how this feels, without going through it themself. i've let go of everything. i've been shocked speechless. i've loved a stranger. i've made life-long promises with a stranger. i've helped some of these people. and they can't possible know how much i was teaching myself as i was speaking to them. to see them thanking me, i don't feel worthy. i'm only fifteen. i know not what to say to some of these secrets. i just say the most comforting, honest things i can think of. but still, i feel the unification. and i feel the need for community and for people to love on eachother.

nothing has ever felt as good as this. nothing.

love.


p.s. i wrote "you are beautiful" sprawled all across the back window of molly's car. it looks wonderful, and i hope people, along with molly, enjoy it. we also plan to tag some cars with it one night. and i need to catch up on my bathroom graffiti since all the stalls were cleaned this summer.

find the determanint of the inverse of....

"i will lead the way, oh, lead the way when i know
and i'll sweep away, oh, sweep away when i don't.
well seize the way, oh, seize the way, no i won't.
i will lead the way, oh, lead the day when i know"

beirut+bike ride+autumn weather+strawberry cupcakes+hazelnut-honey latte=lovely day

not to mention a mini nap in the grass.

it almost cancels out the fact that i'm 96%* sure i failed my math test today. ouch.

(not an exaggeration. but then again, if i did fail, then how would i know what percent anyways)



anxiety does not suit me well.
all my fingernails have been bitten down to the edge, my hair's falling out (even more than usual), and man, you should see my raccoon eyes.


haha, but whatever. it's not like i want a "real" job anyways. i don't want to settle down and "make a living." if all else fails, there's always waitressing. that's what i've learned. not that i'm aiming that low. i just know that i don't want to be doing the same thing everyday. meaning, i don't really want "stability." and really, there is no possible job i would ever do requiring any math level higher than algebra 1 and/or geomotry, a extensive knowledge of history (although i enjoy that), or a background in chemistry. so there. whaattteeevvvaaahh. i've got an alright foundation anyways. but geez, do i hate effing math team. and it is just killing me.
(no real cause of worry. i'm just in a rut. and just stressed. there's no way i'd be a waitress ever again.)

poops to school.
effing matrices.

why not?

Von

changing directions.
slowly but surely.
digging myself out of this rut.


and i just really want to learn Icelandic, and live in a pale teal colored, out of focus world.

well

i am the remainder of your equation. of no true value, and no need. but i'm there. always, every time. ignored and constantly divided up. just set aside, maybe you'll get back to me providing your problem calls for it. no matter any factors, i am there. of multiple values each time. i could be valueless, but i am still there, unseen. but always, i have a limit; i can never be greater than your original value. never. if that ever happens, there was an error in your calculation. so i'm there at the end of the problem, never failing, your remainder. oh and so undesirable. wouldn't it be convenient if i were to just bottom out and let everything else be even. just to let me stand there invisible, silently watching and waiting for the next one to come. remaining.





excuse me, why do you keep looking at me like you know me? tell me, can you see into my eyes? or does your stare just tend to drift into my general direction. but your blank eyes look so full when they meet mine.
of course, your glances mean nothing.
come on and move me.

"broken bluesy whisper, sing to me tonight"


"everyone wants to go forever, i just want to burn up hard and bright"






consider this my call for help.

and i'll consider that your apathy and ignorance.
hope you're satisfied, because i won't play that game.