you are an ass, a snake in the grass

ryad has started a personal blog. he's got a lot of pictures up. very good.

i beasted my Julius Caesar speech today. 69/70. aw yeah.

oh, it feels so good to be done with you. this is some kind of relief i have never felt before. i just want to laugh. at you. and at myself to ever feeling what i did. and for giving you a second (actually way more) chance. i don't even care anymore.

and it's good to know how i can just laugh about this. it's actually really effing hilarious.
your words mean nothing to me anymore. in hindsight, they are more comical than any joke i have ever been told. real effing hilarious. it's good to know now that you were such a good liar.

but i think i'd trade the fast-approaching winter for summer. and i'd rather be sarcastic than perverted. and i'm more comfortable with no friends than a large group. and i like piano better than guitar. your lack of knowledge completely disturbs me. 0-1 car wrecks. i hate paying $9 for a movie ticket. i would rather be outside than in a car. or outside than sitting on a couch. i wish you took me more seriously. i wish i could take you more seriously. and i wish you could see me through different eyes. maybe of a clearer color.
and i would take hurtful honesty than silence any day.


can't you? just, please?

learning to love you more

simple.
and i'll leave it at that.

http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com
because this may be one of my favorite websites i've found.

you move awfully quiet now

um, i'm losing my mind.
no joke. i feel like i am mentally unstable.
so, i will just not write in this place.
because i'm fearful of what i would say in this state.


this happens anytime the weather gets cold and windy.


and damn you sylvia plath. your writings are making me go even more out of my mind.
"Remember how he trusting looked long and sweetly at you out of the dark at the door with all the wild wind in the dark grasses, and how love was there in his face - making you, miraculously, the dream girl and woman, sister and sweetheart, mother and spiritual mistress. You walked in, laughter, tears welling, confused, mingling in your throat. How can you be so many women to so many people, oh you strange girl?"

ahh

i didn't even realize how much pride i had to swallow before i noticed the tears running down my face from choking on all of it.
so, this is new. this is a change. for the better i think. i'm really vulnerable, but to my utter surprise, it has only gotten better. so i'm doing this one day at a time. tomorrow? wha? i have not even considered that. if i do, i'll start hyperventilating maybe. just in this moment. i'm here and okay.

but nostalgia has never kicked in this hard. i can't quite remembering your face and how hard you made me laugh. i cannot forget all the time we shared, good or bad. you were a part of my life. and i don't think you deserved what i did. how i left. but i'm okay. and i know you are too. i think you would love to know how much everyone loves and misses you. you probably already do though.
but i will never be able to listen to smashing pumpkins without thinking about you. and i'll never be able to eat marshmallows without remembering you. even that one shade of green reminds me of you always. i know you will not soon be forgotten. i'd like to believe you know how sorry i am. and how i wish i could just hug you once more, and tell you that you were one of the best guys.
i cannot shake your image from my head. even with my eyes open, you are all i see.


i don't believe in coincidences. i don't believe it was just by chance that the first song i heard after hearing about you was "james" by Great Book of John
and i don't think it was just random that when i opened my bible that night, it landed in the book of James.
so i believe everything happens for a reason. even if i don't know why. because i don't. no one here does. you will not soon be forgotten.

incurable humanist

i have not been this speechless in a long time.
but tonight awoke way too many emotions and memories. and i can't quite handle this. it's a first. and i have to live. i can't do this. not anymore. this, this hatred and these fights, it's far to tolling. too tiring and way too sickening.
i have already waited too long, i've learned. i have taken far too much for granted. i have wasted away in pettiness and pride. believed far too many lies to justify myself and to ease my own pain.

and i couldn't tell you how long it's been since i cried on someone's shoulder before tonight.
i could not tell you how long it's been since i have felt loved like i once did.

i don't know. and i don't expect anyone else to. i don't expect You to give me answers. i pray that You guide me and show me what to do.

sleepwalking

aaaahhh.

heartbeat racing.
pounding hard against my temples.
beating too fast to keep track of.
breath comes quick and shallow
although gulping more air in than ever
the oxygen creates a dizzy sensation.
eyesight now blurred and tunneling.
fingertips shaking causing unsteady handwriting.
limbs shaking if asked to move.
a shaking, shivering wreck
heaped on the ground across piles of clothes.
gasping for too much unneeded air.
the oxygen creates a high-like feeling.
and stomach churning, can't hold anything down.
sick feeling climbs up throat.
do anything to keep the sick down.
still shaking and still beating and still breathing.
too much movement on the body's part.
cannot convulse, shake, beat, gasp, rise, and run all at once.
still quaking. still not even sure if breath is being drawn.
but heart still beating faster now than ever before.
although chest has caved in.


and this was on purpose? i don't think this is exactly what i wanted. can i get different results, please?

if i'm sorry, sorry enough

"if there is such a thing
but
that is between me and the dreams dear
and
we,
me and those dreams,
we’re getting along
just fine
so
know that
know that
all the way
into
your safe channel
whatever those blankets
look like
but
remember
me
and my eyes
and
what it looks like when i laugh
belly ease
and
calm
because
you aren’t made of a lie
and you
you did that
and you
you
you’re magick
and
me
i am here
i am here
in an ours fingers crossed position
locked down
in the cobwebs
no matter
where
my body goes
just so
just so
you know
perfect dreamer
nylon string hunter
feedback maker
soul
restarting device
or
recurring ever-present
love"

-ryan adams.

um, i don't really, can't really say anything after reading that.
but i got Cardinology in the mail today. and have listened to nothing but that since then.
um, i don't really know what's happening right now.
i worked today after a couple weeks absence. hate my job. hate the smell of brunch foods and the sound of clinking dishes and people stuffing their faces whilst asking me for more and expecting me to carry out their every whim. people disgust me. working in a restaurant just kind of kills me. and i see how much waste goes down. and how terrible people are. but i like to people watch. so that's a plus. and free coffee? while getting paid. why not.

so, i'm writing a really horrid novel. i'm saying this because advice says to tell as many people as possible so that on week 2 the fear of humiliation will keep me writing. and i know i'll need that kind of motivation. so i'm writing a novel. it's killling me.


i'm trying to think logically. here.


"dear impossible,

… how i will miss you

i miss you even now"

-ryan adams.