Kath?

"Cath, she stands with a well-intentioned man
but she can't relax with his hand on the small of her back
and as the flash bulbs burst
she holds a smile like someone would hold a crying child

soon everybody will ask what became of you
cause your heart was dying fast, and you didn't know what to do

Cath, it seems that you live in someone else's dream
in a hand-me-down wedding dress
where the things that could have been are oppressed
but you said your vows, and you closed the door
on so many men who would have loved you more

soon everybody will ask what became of you
cause your heart was dying fast, and you didn't know what to do

the whispers that it won't last go up and down the pews
but if their hearts were dying that fast,
they'd have done the same as you
and i'd have done the same as you"


i'm so frightened that will happen to me one day. just the fact that this song's subject's name is Cath, obviously a nick-name for Catherine, is almost some cruel trick. out of all the names...i almost see it as a sign. i really am so scared of ending up with someone and not being happy or loved. or not loving them.

yesterday at work there was an old couple that came in.
the women was perfectly healthy, but the man had some sort of brain damage.
he had trouble talking and was drooling in his lap.
but this women loved him. i could just tell.
that is love. i want to find that.
i mean how many of you would still love your partner each day even if you had to help them order brunch? even if you had to wipe their drool of their face? even if they couldn't carry on a conversation with you?
that's the thing that gets me. i mean, to not even talk to someone but you still love them?
amazing.
and obviously this was a woman who's lived her life and there's no telling how long those 2 were together, but i still, one day, want someone to love me that much. and i want to love someone that much in return.
i'm aware i won't find that at age 15.
obviously.
but, you know, one day.

For a pessimist I'm pretty optimistic

and now, history repeats itself.

and the same songs mean the same things
they stir up emotions i had not quite forgotten
i'm feeling the same anger, the same bitterness.
the same circumstances, the same losses.

how am i expected to put up with this twice?
honestly.
how does lightning strike in the same place twice?




and to think, i thought i had learned my lesson.
Ha.

this too shall pass.

they say you learn from your pain.
they say there's a reason for everything.
they say this too shall pass.

but what if you don't?
what if there isn't?
and what if it doesn't?



i need something, anything.
someone, anyone.

bob dylan was here.

i awoke this morning, in a terrible state. feelings from last night were never settled. confused, upset, lacking hope, and feeling abandoned, i reluctently got out of my bed. the first thing i see when my eyes hit the floor is a torn, mangled peice of paper with just three words on it...
(don't get your hopes up, this story is not a happy one)
in the bottom right-hand corner there, typed, were the words, "i'm not there."
this hit me. hard. especially considering i have no earthly idea where the paper came from. i had recently bought the soundtrack to the movie, i'm not there, but there was no way that paper was from the packaging. no way. i had not printed such a document. so the question remains, where did the painstakingly truthfull paper come from?
maybe i will never know.
but i think i prefer it that way.











and incase you were wondering, it was torn and crumpled thanks to my dog, willow...at least that seemed the logical explination.