channeling

oh, bring on the vulnerability.
i. am. so. ready.
tomorrow, November 1st, will be a day of many firsts.
i'm writing a novel. i am going to. it's going to be crap, but i'm going to make myself do it. i have nothing to lose.

keep telling myself that: i have nothing to lose.

If I rest, if I think inward, I go mad

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"


so in stead of doing my English homework, i am reading Sylvia Plath. because she is essential to every woman who wishes to not go insane.

"Oh, God, what woman does not like to be told how wonderful she is, to see adoration naked in a young beautiful boy's eyes...[isn't it wonderful] being young, beautiful and maybe not too damned?"

i could post so many of her quotations. so many that it would end up just being her entire journals and all her works. too good for words. except for all the words she has written.
i just really wish my sister hadn't taken back her copy of Plath's journals. or her typewriter. i could use both right about now.


(i think i made you up inside my head)

drinking sparkling water and watching the lemon seeds bounce up and down inside the bottle. i don't know how they rise and fall so suddenly.

and i'm waiting for your reply.

and how could you shrug me off like that. i just let down a wall, floodgate, empire, that i had been building since the first time i laid eyes on you. and in return i get complete and utter apathy and ignorance. and i regret telling you.

now you're waiting for my reply.

and the thing is, in your response, you give evidence that makes me doubt what you say. but, i love love, so i'll believe you. this time and everytime afterward. and i guess i'm trying to say is that i'll never know what to say, i don't know what i'm doing, i have a lot of baggage, i'm so not perfect, i'm a mess, i'm a wretch, i can get jealous too easily, i'll keep things from you not because i want to but i don't want you to think i'm such a mess, and i can't turn back now.

no one said plunging in head-first felt good. in fact, there are warnings about how it's usually not a good idea. and it's true. because i've become paralyzed.

and i think that i just live out-of-focus. and i'll let that be my last psuedo-profound thing i say.

2 posts in one day. cause i have no life. but love.

as good as gone

although it makes me clutch my stomach, i do not believe this is physical pain. although it keeps me huddled over the waste basket, i don't think i can receive any medical help. it feels like someone is grabbing me around my midsection and slowly keeps tightening. i can't stand up straight and it's getting harder to breathe as it spreads up my chest. an eternal internal grip. this is no cramp or stomach ache. this is a death grip. a sickness that has no cure. this is something i've never felt before.
and it started at the very moment you left.



maybe this is what jean paul sartre was writing about.

ACCEPT LOSS FOREVER

"great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion."

"you never die enough to cry."

"i felt like lying down by the side of the trail and remember it all. the woods do that to you, they always look familiar, long lost, like the face of a long-dead relative, like an old dream, like a piece of forgotten song drifting across the water, most of all like golden eternities of past childhood or past manhood and all the living and the dying and the heartbreak that went on a million years ago and the clouds as they pass overhead seem to testify (by their own lonesome familiarity) to this feeling. Ecstasy, even, I felt, with flashes of sudden remembrance, and feeling sweaty and drowsy I felt like sleeping and dreaming in the grass"

"I'm a wretch, but i love, love."

"it no longer makes me cry and die and tear myself to see her go because everything goes away from me like that now-girls, visions, anything, just in the same way and forever and i accept lostness forever."

"accept loss forever"




so, Jack Kerouac, please rise from the dead and marry me.

i dreamed i was replaced by a railroad

i know it's not fair. i know i put up with her bullshit. i know it's one-sided. but i don't care. because even if it's not true, i believe she would drop everything for me like i do for her. and clearly she means the world to me. and i know she treats me less than what i'm worth. but it doesn't matter to me. and maybe one day i will realize it. and i will learn. but right now, she's all i have. and i would do anything for her. i'm sure she wouldn't ruin her family for me, like i did for her last night, but to be honest, it had just been building up for years. that was just a shove in the direction to say how i feel to you. and to let you know how wrong you are and how much i hate this house that's not a home. and i may regret saying that to you one day. i probably hurt you, but you don't know how much i've been hurting. and how much i've been yearning to get out. you just don't understand. and that's what i resent.

and you. how could you know how much i care. and hear how much i was fighting for you and then tell me a few moments later that everything was okay now. what the hell. i can't believe that. i can't believe you let him talk his way out of everything. but you do. and i know why you do. but it's so wrong. no one should be treated like that. and i want you two to be happy but you can't let him get away with that. i won't let him get away with it. especially since i just lost so much for you.

this is completely accidental. our whole time together has been an accident. but now i'm in. and this won't end well. i didn't mean to, but i need you now. i can't have you looking the other way, or going in another direction. i need you to see me. and to listen to me. and i don't need this to be pity. i need you to care. i need to care. i need you to need me. and i'll try to not be a wreck. i'm here. this is not what i wanted. but this is what it is. and i cannot afford to let you go now. i'm just paranoid i think. but i mean every word. it all means something.

i'm really liking folk music again lately. it's good to hear. it makes me feel like i'm part of a story. and it makes me feel like i'm somewhere else. which is necessary to my existence.

oh, i have no idea what i'm doing. none of my life has been planned. none of this was pre-meditated. i am impulsive. and i make my moves on the spot. i never planned to scream how i've felt for my whole life in your face. i never planned to give everything up for someone who would never do the same. i never planned to need you so much. i never planned to get so close. i never planned to hate someone as much as i do you. i never planned to leave. i never planned to go through with my wildest dreams. i never planned any of this. and now, i don't know what to think. i don't know what to do.

i have the sickest, most looming, dangerous, fearful feeling in my gut right now.

and i hate it. and i hate you. and i've said it. and it's true. and i wish i could erase your memory. our memories. i wish i could shake them as easily as i've been pulling out my hair over this. what i would give to never see your face again? what wouldn't i do to rid myself of you?

the uncountable cups of coffee can't rid myself of this hang-over like daze i've been in for the past couple of days. it's more than physical.
too many factors are playing on this. too much. i can't handle. why. can we just not talk about it. can we just not. i'd beg if i'd have to. not true. i'm far too proud. also not true. i've already begged.
and why and when and where and who and how and once again, why? repeat. repeat. repeat again until it never gets old. just get sicker and sicker with this feeling that holds no name. but holds me captive. no relief.

hair's falling out, not to mention i'm pulling it out. biting my nails down to nothing. consuming more coffee than i'm sure any human should. can't sleep*. every muscle is sore for no apparent reason. and sometimes i just can't breathe.

what do i call this? what is this nausea?



*not due to the caffiene. i've gone some days without it. and some just with decaf. it's something else.