why would i sabotage the best thing that i have?

okayokayokay.

it's been a while, but epiphany struck me today:

=it is all in my head.
everything.
like this (this being troubles in my life) is all so unreal.
i make it all up in my mind
in my mind,
i spend far too much time in there to begin with.
it gets dangerous.
i create, and recreate scenarios and lies and illusions.
there's my problem.
and i will solve it.
i will throw myself into the world.
quit living within myself. quit withdrawing and standing still.
i've noticed a difference.
no more gray. no more.
no more blank pages. because i am really going to go crazy now. literally. insane, but outside of the membrane, right?
the good crazy. the entertaining crazy.

right. whatever. see you out there.





"I tried lies; lies, they cripple crowded rooms and; lies take way too much time"
yeah, sooo, i don't think i'm going to lie anymore. really. i like the sound of that. so this should be interesting.


what's really crazy though, is that i still have paint on my feet from a week ago. how does that even happen?


i still shake though. and i still feel the nausea. and i still have bad posture. but, i bought a book today that i have no idea what is about(there was nothing on the back cover or inside), i have Pic(typewriter), Audrey(nikon), and Alex(polaroid), a new Sigur Ros cd, a journal to wreck, a best friend to unleash my far-too-dark thoughts, a christmas list to create, a lot of books to mail to strangers, a lot of books that will be mailed to me by strangers, strange obsession with "hands open" by snow patrol, $58.55 in coins, $600+ in bills in a wine bottle on my windowsill, $200+ in the bank, no faith in banks, stumbleupon, gravity, dirt, the earth, the feeling of the wind tonight that blew waytoo perfectly tobereal, a mother who thinks i'm mentally instable, a pair of pants that needs sewing, math homework that needs completing, no desire to do well in school, broken a spell, luck, a thrift-store shopping-spree soon, too much.
i have now.