calm down

i have been writing everything on stickie notes and sticking them everywhere. i mean everything. from the moment i wake up, i open my eyes and see the first one, "wake up" and i see the second one, "seriously, wake up now." so sometimes i wake up, sometimes i drift back to sleep, but whenever i do open my eyes enough to read more than those two, i see one my ceiling: "thank God you're alive." so i do. and i need that reminder, really, i do. and it helps. i mean, am i really going to ignore a yellow peice of paper? no, because it's not telling me to do anything difficult or out of my way. so i thank Him. along with those, i have other various jewls hanging out: "you aren't dying here", "you are beautiful", "wash your face", "try not to cry today", "no happy fits of rage today, okay?", "read.". sometimes these reminders help me, but they can also annoy me and seem to mock me. but i like them. even though i write them, i feel like someone is giving me instructions to help me live through these years.


sometimes urges come. when i'm so down, and everyone's too loud and fast when they walk past me. and i want to forget this youth. and i want a battle. and i'm lost.
and sometimes urges leave. when i can breathe, and i can feel with all my senses. and i feel needed. and i hear your voice in it's kind, sentimental tone.
then, sometimes i am just scared and hopeful at the same time. and i want to take chances. and i'm not scared. because, what's to be scared of? so you might die? probably not though. so you'll get hurt? you'll grow and heal. so you may get scarred? no one really notices, and anyone who does either doesn't say anything, or cares enough to listen to your story. because we all have stories. and doesn't everyone want to tell the most exciting story they have? but you can only get that story by doing something extravagant. so you know, i'm not scared anymore. maybe i'll fall off the side of a cliff, maybe i'll get sick, maybe i'll lose someone close. but, i'll be okay. i've fallen from heights before, i'm still here. i've been sick, and i'm still here. and i've lost people dear to me, and i'm better than i was before. what do i have to lose?

right?





and i'm not depressed or anything, school just really gets to me. stress and stuff.